I hate him but I love him SOOOOO much.

That is exactly what I am feeling right now.

Dammit. This feeling really sucks.

Frankly, I hate to blog about heart matters but sometimes I just feel like sharing it. I really hope that one day I would stumble into someone who is experiencing something that is exactly the same like mine.

But one problem is, this relationship of mine is hard to define and hard to be understood (am i talking shit here?). If you really read my blog, I think you can guess what is happening in my relationship with my fiancee. We will getting marriend in 1st November and 2nd November. It MUST happen. I'll pray for it.

One thing straight is that, me and my fiancee is totally different like other couples. He is not like any other 'gentleman' or good boyfriend. He is doing so many mistakes again and again. Sometimes I feel really disappointed with him. But this is call LOVE. I gave him everything, I gave him so much love, but it wasn't enough. And now I'm in pain, and it's so unfair because he was mean to me and he should be suffering. I feel I'll never be able to love again, or find someone suitable for me (I'm picky). He didn't show his true colors until a long time in the relationship, so when he just appeared in my life he was like an angel and he still is in my heart, despite all the pain he's made me go through, I forgive him. It happened so many time. I feel like my self esteem has always been low and now this is a huge blow. Despite not having the best self esteem, I know I don't deserve this, and I gave him everything I gave him so much love, so now all I can ask is "Why me?".... Why do I deserve this?.... Why do I have to suffer... and love him so much, and how can I get over this overwhelming pain?

The suck thing is that, though I have been together with him for so long, I just still could not escape from pissing him off. I had done it countless times. Sub-consciously, I just did despite knowing his attitude very well.

When he gets mad, its ugly. I mean, really UGLY. He doesn’t care of what others think. He doesn’t care of others feel with his word. And heck, now I am missing someone else; my ex-bf. This dilemma has been so long circulating in me. I can’t bring myself to break my current relationship off. I am still strong and patient to sustain in this relationship. But sometimes, I do wish my ex is my fiancee. Where my life could be as ordinary like other couples too. But something is always holding me back.

Dammit i dunno what is it! Is something wrong with me or am I just weird too??

So people out there, please help me if you are or had a similar situation like me. Make me smile by commenting.

They say, "IF you love someone, let them go. If they return, it was meant to be." Hmm, I guess only those who believes in faith and destiny would support this. Which, I am.(i think)

hAtE yOu BuT LoVe YoU...!!!

I hate the way you tell me you love me

When your with her

I hate when you tell me you miss me

I hate the way you make me think of you

I was getting over you

But you had to call

And tell me you still love me

I dont wanna wait

I dont wanna be played

I want to be over you

You give me more and more pain

I just wanna scream

I hate you for doing this to me

I hate how I still love you

I wish I would stop loving you

I am that kind of girl that loves you but hates you

My heart wants to hate you

Not Love you anymore

It hurts way to much

I wanna hate you..

But in the fact is I still love you not hate you...!!!

FORGIVE BUT NEVER FORGET!!!

I have problem of forgiving people but i NEVER forget…..if someone hurts me, that’s it.. I came across this article and thought u might enjoy reading it..

http://www.vitalaffirmations.com/forgiveness.htm

Forgiveness is such an important subject that I feel compelled to spend some time explaining its significance. When we hold something unforgiven inside, we are nurturing anger, hatred and resentment or maybe even guilt. These emotions lock us into the moment, continually reliving events, over time all this emotion can become suppressed into the subconscious, but they are still there, consuming our mental and life energy. Until we release ourselves from this cycle, it may prove impossible to move forward.

It really does not matter what the issue was, whether slight or life-shatteringly traumatic. If you want to move on you must let it go. To do this we must forgive. To forgive someone does not mean that that you condone their behaviour simply that you forgive them, and release them. By releasing and forgiving them, you release yourself. Some people hold onto their anger, refusing to forgive or let go. They will never move on until they do. In fact quite the reverse, by allowing such emotions to ferment inside, they grow and can become all consuming, their whole life becoming defined by whatever the event was. They are no longer in control of their life or living the life they want. They are living a life that is directed by their anger and hurt.

How our lives are, is often a reflection of our reactions to the ups and downs of life. If we choose to accept the good and release the bad, we are able to maintain control over our lives and keep our sense of direction. If however we focus on the bad things that have happened to us then these will simply grow, continually manifesting our own dark thoughts and divert us from seeking what we really want.

If you or your life is "stuck", then it is well worth looking back to see if there is anything unforgiven in your past. Remember to forgive everyone, especially yourself. So many people trudge through their lives burdened with guilt for this or that, forgive yourself and let it go.

Remember, life is in the now, the past is already finished and dead and cannot be changed. Nothing you can do now, can ever change the past, yet it is amazing how many people squander their emotional and life energy, consumed with anger or guilt about the past. In this moment now, you have your power, the power to make your choices, take your action, to make a difference. You have no power in the past and you have no assurance of power in the future.

If you want to feel free, released from the past then you must forgive. Forgive everyone, especially yourself. I know how difficult it is to overcome our natural and very human feelings of anger, guilt, resentment and fear. The basis of them can seem and may well be completely justified, you may be completely right to have these emotions and it is OK to experience them. However, these emotions damage your ability to move on, you must accept your emotions but then be prepared to let them go. To release yourself, you must forgive. Until you do you will remain the victim with your life locked into all those negative emotions.

Look around you, do you know anyone like that? Some tragedy or injustice has been suffered and now the entire life of that person is defined by their anger and resentment. Every positive thought, every inspired moment, all of life's little pleasures are subsumed with their overwhelming feelings of anger, resentment, even desire for revenge. No matter how justified their emotions are, what good is it doing them? The past can never be changed. Life is full of tragedy and joy, it is not the events of life so much as how we respond to them that defines how joyous and successful our lives are.

It is not the events of life

but how we respond to

them that defines the joy and

success of our lives.