Dammit. This feeling really sucks.
Frankly, I hate to blog about heart matters but sometimes I just feel like sharing it. I really hope that one day I would stumble into someone who is experiencing something that is exactly the same like mine.
But one problem is, this relationship of mine is hard to define and hard to be understood (am i talking shit here?). If you really read my blog, I think you can guess what is happening in my relationship with my fiancee. We will getting marriend in 1st November and 2nd November. It MUST happen. I'll pray for it.
One thing straight is that, me and my fiancee is totally different like other couples. He is not like any other 'gentleman' or good boyfriend. He is doing so many mistakes again and again. Sometimes I feel really disappointed with him. But this is call LOVE. I gave him everything, I gave him so much love, but it wasn't enough. And now I'm in pain, and it's so unfair because he was mean to me and he should be suffering. I feel I'll never be able to love again, or find someone suitable for me (I'm picky). He didn't show his true colors until a long time in the relationship, so when he just appeared in my life he was like an angel and he still is in my heart, despite all the pain he's made me go through, I forgive him. It happened so many time. I feel like my self esteem has always been low and now this is a huge blow. Despite not having the best self esteem, I know I don't deserve this, and I gave him everything I gave him so much love, so now all I can ask is "Why me?".... Why do I deserve this?.... Why do I have to suffer... and love him so much, and how can I get over this overwhelming pain?
The suck thing is that, though I have been together with him for so long, I just still could not escape from pissing him off. I had done it countless times. Sub-consciously, I just did despite knowing his attitude very well.
When he gets mad, its ugly. I mean, really UGLY. He doesn’t care of what others think. He doesn’t care of others feel with his word. And heck, now I am missing someone else; my ex-bf. This dilemma has been so long circulating in me. I can’t bring myself to break my current relationship off. I am still strong and patient to sustain in this relationship. But sometimes, I do wish my ex is my fiancee. Where my life could be as ordinary like other couples too. But something is always holding me back.
Dammit i dunno what is it! Is something wrong with me or am I just weird too??
So people out there, please help me if you are or had a similar situation like me. Make me smile by commenting.
They say, "IF you love someone, let them go. If they return, it was meant to be." Hmm, I guess only those who believes in faith and destiny would support this. Which, I am.(i think)
